Still Learning from the Quakers

Well folks...I am back to blogging. I want to continue to share what I have been learning about the Quakers....I have been quoting from the Friends Journal. In my opinion, an excellent publication.

From before...21 Tips on Personal Peacemaking....
Let me give you the complete list....

1. Nothing is gained in trying to decide whose version of what happened is true.
2. Blame is not a helpful concept.
3. Instead of saying, "It is his fault," "It is her fault," it is more helpful simply to say, "It Is."
4. Running away from conflict does not solve it.
5. When people are very, very upset they get flooded by adrenaline.
6. Timing of efforts to address a conflict is a two-party affair.
7. When in conflict with another person, it is not helpful to keep going over in our mind or with another person how bad the other person is, or how bad his/her actions were, how upset he or she makes us or how much we hate this person.
8. What is helpful is to focus on the good points of the person.
9. Making fun of the preson you are in conflict with, or engaging in sarcasm or ridicult, is poison.
10. Each person has something to teach us.
11. Judging a person or deciding "who is wrong and who is right" is just another form of blaming.
12. People do not cause other people's feelings.
13. When someone else is disappointed or angry with us, this does not mean that we are bad or unworthy.
14. Dragging other people in by trying to convince them of our point of view or trying to get others to choose sides just makes the conflict bigger and worse.
15. When we direct all of our actions towards trying to prevent another person from feeling a certain way (angry, hurt, disappointed), we find ourselves caught in co-dependent emotional caretaking.
16. When speaking to another person about our upsets, it is best to use "I" statements of our experience and reactions as our own, rather than blaming others or making them responsible for our feelings.
17. The use of alcohol and other drugs during a conflict, or during the attempt to fix it, will make the conflict worse.
18. People who are very much alike often have a great deal of conflict.
19. We are responsible at all times for choosing behavior that meets our highest moral/ethical standards.
20. Culture does not impact conflict.
21. When we have made a mistake, it is best to apologize immediately.

The Quakers are known for being peacemakers. That does not mean they shove conflict under the carpet, so to speak. It simply means speaking the truth, in love, in the love of the One in whose image we are created and redeemed.

I learned something from the Quakers....have you? :-)

21 Steps to Personal Peacemaking

Some of you know that I read a lot --- especially magazines that are written by persons from various bodies within the Body of Christ - the universal Church. For example, I read America, written by the Jesuits of the Roman Catholic Church; Christian Century - written primarily by progressives within the mainstream Christian tradition; Christianity Today - written by the evangelical wing of the church; Friends Journal - Quaker Thought and Life Today - written by those who still keep to the ancient practice of open worship - totally open to the movement of God's Spirit - punctuated by silence and the list goes on.

This blog I want us to learn from the Quakers about how to practice peacemaking -- one of their most important and distinctive contributions to the Body of Christ and to the world.

Lynn Fitz-Hugh, a Quaker from Bellevue, Washington, and a member of the Washington State Alternatives to Violence project. She shares 21 things about conflict that she has learned in nearly 50 years.

Before we hear from Ms. Fitz-Hugh, may I share my own personal musings -- conflict is normal and to be expected when two or more persons are in any kind of consistent communication and connection. Conflict is often viewed as "bad" within the Christian community primarily, I believe, because we have been taught that the presence of conflict indicates the absence of God. You may have heard me say it before but I believe this to be true -- biblically speaking, conflict is normal because relationships are the norm of how we practice Christian community. But, strife is not normal and is very destructive. There is a critical difference. I will interact with Ms. Fitz-Hugh's thoughts over the next several weeks.

1. Nothing is to be gained in trying to decide whose version of what happened it true. "It does not matter in the end. What matters is that each person truly experienced it the way he or she reports it."
2. Blame is not a helpful concept. "When we blame, it increases the other person's defensiveness and blocks his or her willingness to listen to us." The problem we face when we point at others is that at least three fingers are pointing back at us!
3. Instead of saying, "It is his fault," "It is her fault," or "It is my fault," it is more helpful to say, "It is." Related to #2, some of us blame others too quickly and some of us blame ourselves too quickly and the truth is always somewhere in the middle. By saying, "It is..." does not mean that emotions are not involved - they typically are - but saying, "It is," takes out the poison of blame and judgment and helps us move forward.
4. Running away from conflict does not solve it. Obviously, abuse is the exception, but more often than not, we run away from conflict because of fear. And when fear is present, love cannot, because love is the opposite of fear. And fear, given enough time, will result in some form of hate. That is why hate groups are, at root, full of fear.

What do you think? Do you agree? Disagree?