21 Steps to Personal Peacemaking

Some of you know that I read a lot --- especially magazines that are written by persons from various bodies within the Body of Christ - the universal Church. For example, I read America, written by the Jesuits of the Roman Catholic Church; Christian Century - written primarily by progressives within the mainstream Christian tradition; Christianity Today - written by the evangelical wing of the church; Friends Journal - Quaker Thought and Life Today - written by those who still keep to the ancient practice of open worship - totally open to the movement of God's Spirit - punctuated by silence and the list goes on.

This blog I want us to learn from the Quakers about how to practice peacemaking -- one of their most important and distinctive contributions to the Body of Christ and to the world.

Lynn Fitz-Hugh, a Quaker from Bellevue, Washington, and a member of the Washington State Alternatives to Violence project. She shares 21 things about conflict that she has learned in nearly 50 years.

Before we hear from Ms. Fitz-Hugh, may I share my own personal musings -- conflict is normal and to be expected when two or more persons are in any kind of consistent communication and connection. Conflict is often viewed as "bad" within the Christian community primarily, I believe, because we have been taught that the presence of conflict indicates the absence of God. You may have heard me say it before but I believe this to be true -- biblically speaking, conflict is normal because relationships are the norm of how we practice Christian community. But, strife is not normal and is very destructive. There is a critical difference. I will interact with Ms. Fitz-Hugh's thoughts over the next several weeks.

1. Nothing is to be gained in trying to decide whose version of what happened it true. "It does not matter in the end. What matters is that each person truly experienced it the way he or she reports it."
2. Blame is not a helpful concept. "When we blame, it increases the other person's defensiveness and blocks his or her willingness to listen to us." The problem we face when we point at others is that at least three fingers are pointing back at us!
3. Instead of saying, "It is his fault," "It is her fault," or "It is my fault," it is more helpful to say, "It is." Related to #2, some of us blame others too quickly and some of us blame ourselves too quickly and the truth is always somewhere in the middle. By saying, "It is..." does not mean that emotions are not involved - they typically are - but saying, "It is," takes out the poison of blame and judgment and helps us move forward.
4. Running away from conflict does not solve it. Obviously, abuse is the exception, but more often than not, we run away from conflict because of fear. And when fear is present, love cannot, because love is the opposite of fear. And fear, given enough time, will result in some form of hate. That is why hate groups are, at root, full of fear.

What do you think? Do you agree? Disagree?